My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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