it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I have tasted many bathrooms
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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