hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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