I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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