is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
