it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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