return my video game
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
