there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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