Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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