my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
