Your dad touched me again.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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