I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
