Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
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