My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
