I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
