I'm going to jail i love you
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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