the condom got lost in my hair
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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