Buhtt sex?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
