My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
