He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
