i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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