Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
