She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
