Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
