...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
