I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
