Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
