oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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