I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
