My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
