Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Sorry my hands just texted you
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
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