I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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