i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
