I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
