Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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