She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
