Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
