I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
