a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
