are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
