One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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