So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
