; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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