Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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