My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
