I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Randomize
