I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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