So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
