How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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