the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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