remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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